In the middle

We've been friends for years.

Everytime he's in a long shift at the hospital we text for hours, keeping each other company.

Everytime he comes in the country he calls and if there's time we chat over a cup of tea in a coffe shop.
These past days he pissed me off and I blocked his number after he started blaming me for living in a fantasy world and for having the courage to dream.
That was the last thing I needed.

I knew he was going to be in town this week but I didn't want to see him. I was too mad at his sharp words.

Yet, he bought a Romanian sim card and called. I was at the supermarket.
I instantly recognised his voice and started laughing. He appologised and admitted he was too harsh on me and that he didn't want to upset me.

After days and days of rejection, I finally agreed to go out for a coffee nearby.

I told him I want to leave as far as possible. I told him I want to run away and embrace the solitary life as the feeling I have here isn't much different from what I'm thinking of trying. I told him I want to fly and be in a constant dizziness from the jet lags so that my brain shall not be able to focus anymore on what I don't have.
I told him I know it's not all glamour and I am willing to exhaust myself and wake up in the middle of the night and not know on what continent I am.

He didn't agree. He said I'm rushing. And then he asked where I want to go.

When I answered he begged me not to go. He said I'm taking a shortcut to hell and that I'm doing this for the wrong reasons.

He doesn't understand.

It's not about the money. It never is and never was. It's about finding something my heart shall beat for. It's about putting my heart in something. Or totally lock it away and dive in a constant haze of a beatless life that shall grant me the totally opposite experiences from those I actually want.

It's simple: if I can't have the RED ball to play with, I'll take the GREEN skateboard. Just because it's totally different. Who knows? I might have more fun.

Then he told me about the way one creates his life and being able to look beyond appearances. There was nothing new to me. I unlocked my phone and showed him some passages on this topic, from my favorite book.

Then he unlocked his phone and showed me this:

I read the first lines and looked at him.
"Why are you showing me this?" I asked.
"D'you know it?"
"Yes. I do."
"How?" he asked me.
"Doesn't matter. I know it from someone."
"Well, that someone has very good taste in poetry. This poem is my guide."

I read it till the end and told him:

"I want to run away as far as possible."

He sighed and he understood.

"Maybe you just need a vacation."


On my way home I stuck my headphones in my ears, playing the audiobook and said to myself:
"Don't you dare cry. Don't you dare it!"