Wicked games

 It's like I've gone completely insane this past week, yet this insanity seems to be my only faith in a world I'm willing to change.

The first step was getting rid of my car. It broke down again and I swear it was a total relief. It was like waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it did.

I have no intention of fixing it any time soon. 

I don't care about it anymore and I don't want to care about it anymore.

I started using the public transportation again, with my headphones stuck deep into my ears, listening over and over again to a 2-hour long audiobook.

The next thing was to start walking again.

Oh, yes. Those long walks.

I left my office in the North of the town and came home by foot.

Daily.

It's a 2-hour long walk and it's the time of the day I'm waiting for as soon as I wake up.

It's my me and my audiobook time.

It's my me and my prayer time.

It's my me and my tears of desire time.

It's my me and my dreams time.

It's my me and my imagination time when I dive in shameless fantasies that I pray to become tangible.

I know exactly WHAT I want, I don't know exactly HOW.

And the thing that buggs me the most is that the means of getting what I want seem so fucking complicated.

What I want requires patience, effort in terms of searching, good taste and a whole lot of fucking money.

I turn the volume higher in my headphones in order to train my brain to focus on what I want and I changed my perspective and approach towards work, keeping my desire very clear in my head.

I changed my schedule completely, I wake up at 6 am without alarm clock, I wander the streets with the painful desire in my stomach(sometimes I wonder if it's normal to want something so badly that your stomach hurts....)

In the meanwhile I play by the rules. I obey them and do the best I can EVERY. SINGLE. SECOND.

Every. Single. Second.

Every single second my body is guided by this one clear desire in my head.

What pisses me off the most is that I am not wise enough to find the quickest, fastest, most harmonious shortcut to what I want without selling my soul to the devil. 

I don't know if what I want REALLY requires so much complicated strategies.

I know my expectations are very high and expensive for myself, but it seems to me that I'm playing a game HERE, in order to win a game THERE.

And it seems the winings of HERE are not enough for getting me THERE.

They say "Do what you can, with what you have, where you are". 

Fucking true.

Yet what I want doesn't have anything to do with what I can do here, with what I have here.

Damn...

#looking #for #a #shortcut